By an Anonymous member
I recently started reading the book “Mindset – Changing The Way You think To Fulfil Your Potential” by Dr Carol Dweck – and before I finished chapter one, I knew I had to focus this blog on the key takeaways from my four year PhD journey, rather than my struggles.
Writing this has given me a chance to reflect on my mindset and whether, as the book describes, I am a “fixed thinker” or have a “growth mindset”. For the most part I seem to fit the latter but you can choose to agree or disagree with me as you read on.
In the middle of a -20°C winter, I moved from my home in the tropics to a small city 6,553 km away. I made this move to pursue a PhD which had been my goal since I was an undergraduate student.
Unlike many who pursue a PhD almost immediately after a master’s degree, I worked mostly outside of academia for about five years after my master’s and then decided to pursue my academic interest. For me, this move was daunting, to say the least. Nevertheless, I embraced the “now or never” attitude, packed up 27 kg worth of my belongings and embarked on this adventure.
Initially, things were tough. I couldn’t find a flat to rent because of my ethnicity (yes, I had someone say that to my face), I struggled to make friends in the lab, there were no international organisations that I could be a part of to meet people (I’m about a decade too old to befriend Erasmus exchange students so this was not an appealing option for me) and to top it off, my PhD project was a bit of a blur, with no equipment, limited lab resources and no solid plan in sight. It crossed my mind more than once that I should just go back home. Fortunately, my mother talked me out of it and I listened – zero regrets.
After three weeks of living in dodgy accommodation I was able to rent a flat and I began to have a more positive outlook on my situation. It’s not every day that you get offered to pursue a fully-funded PhD – I was determined to make the best of it.
Finally, some months later the lab equipment I required arrived and so did my secondary supervisor on a visit to inspect the purchased lab equipment. I didn’t know this then, but I can confidently say now that for what I lacked by way of a strong primary supervisor, my co-supervisor more than compensated.
Let me also add here that my field of research is quite far removed from my master’s degree so there was a lot of catching up for me to do, but I was up for the challenge. Like most others doing their PhD, my project underwent many revisions, I had innumerable failed experiments, almost no data at the end of my second year, suffered from imposter syndrome, did not have enough resources and faced a questionable academic support system on campus.
Three and a half years later, I have the opportunity to reflect on what has been a character-building experience. Despite all the pitfalls and sometimes dark days (literally and metaphorically), I have come out more confident, skilled and, in a couple of months, with a completed thesis.
Mind you, nothing in my surroundings has changed during this time but I have trained myself to look at the glass as half full or to find solutions to make bad situations better. By doing this I have gained so much more than an academic qualification (still pending) – I now have an incredible mentor, resilience, a can-do attitude and above all, the confidence that no task is insurmountable if I put my mind to it.
If you are reading this, I urge you to power through the obstacles that we are so often faced with in this PhD journey – gender bias, racism, lack of support, unavailable resources, imposter syndrome, and the list goes on.
Having said that, put your mental health first. I’ve had days when I physically couldn’t get out of bed because the thought of going into the lab was too much to bear, so I didn’t go and I am glad that I didn’t push myself.
Seek professional help if you think you need it – I did. There is no shame in this, and I hope that if you do, it will benefit you like it did me.
Poor mental health is still taboo in academia and as exposed and vulnerable as this blog post makes me feel, I hope that my journey highlights what I’ve learned by keeping an open mind and wanting to learn but also knowing the limits to which I could push myself.
Everyone’s PhD journey is unique, and you are in control of what works best for you, so embrace that and use it to your advantage.