A poem on the subject of Sleep Apnoea

News and Views

By Ken O’Halloran Department of Physiology, School of Medicine, University College Cork, Ireland

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https://doi.org/10.36866/pn.104.11

I’m male and I’m old and a tad more than fat

And if that’s not enough beyond all of that:

I’m sleepy, forgetful, it pains me to mention –

Erectile dysfunction; overt hypertension!

Disordered breathing is the trouble for me,

Pauses in airflow present frequently.

Sometimes as many as 60 per hour;

Throat muscles are knackered – can’t generate power

Sufficient to open the pharynx you see

(That’s a block of the pipe, when put quite simply).

My airway collapses, won’t let nothin’ through,

Damn thing is so common – one day ‘could be you!

 

So what to look out for? Well snoring is key,

That’s how it all started a while back for me.

And then the long pauses – silent interruption,

Before sitting up, as if a convulsion

Was triggered by dream, no rest for the weary…

Some wake up choking, now that is quite scary!

 

But worse than all that it progresses by stealth

And slowly but surely it worsens one’s health.

Hell, life is a drag; I’ve considered narcosis,

Potentially better than atherosclerosis.

Ah…what am I saying, that’s only conjecture,

You’ll have to forgive my poor sleep architecture

Prevents me from having a normal day.

It’s a pain in the ass – what else can I say?

 

See, the ticker is troubled and poor brain is muddled

And I’m starting to notice that both lungs are bubbled;

And I huff and I puff on account of the stuff,

And I wake in the morning feeling quite rough,

Only down to a sliver of functioning liver

I’m useless at work, it’s too hard to deliver

Whilst struggling to pee with dodgy kidneys

This thing is a curse for them and for me.

 

And I was a poet, philosopher, dancer,

Now sleep doc’ is saying this it could cause me cancer!

And that is the good news, if I struggle that far,

If the ticker don’t blow out whilst driving the car.

See the cardinal sign is a person too sleepy,

By day, that is, at times it’s quite creepy.

My missus resides now next door – the spare bed,

The snoring and snorting was wreckin’ her head.

Sleep apnoea you say, so all’s well whilst you’re waking?

All’s well, indeed, except for the aching

Muscles and joints, and general malaise

And most of my hormones all over the place.

Control out the window; bizarre appetite:

Increasing my girth, not helping the fight

Against this disorder which moves like a ninja,

So please think again before wagging a finger

At any one – of the one-in-ten?

Who are destined to join me – and that’s not just men.

 

Yes ladies – one moment – for there is a clause,

The numbers are even once past menopause;

Indeed it’s a syndrome for all shapes and sizes,

A large family – even athletes with prizes!

The rich and the poor, and the thick, and the thin

A mother, a daughter, or your next of kin

Could be lying in wait of a formal diagnosis,

And if something else, it could change that prognosis.

 

But wait, there is hope, in the glory we bask

Of gold standard treatment delivered by mask

CPAP is the hero, ostensibly

Though alas, despite trying, ‘twas no good for me.

Though I worked with the docs in a hopeful alliance,

Their final conclusion? – Poor patient compliance!

 

So I tried excitation of nerve ‘hypoglossal’,

But most of the time it just caused me hassle.

So off to a surgeon who offered to me

A complex procedure – UPPP.

No thanks! So I search for that magic pill

Taken just before bed, which might keep my legs still

And allow me to dream, and to get some good REM

And to dance and to sing and behave more like them

Who sleep and then wake and arise with a smile

And lie with the missus at least for a while

And chat of the challenges – simple and scary –

And get on with it: a life ordinary.

 

So if you suspect, there’s a friend, Gran or Dad

Who’s sleepy, fatigued, and often quite sad.

You might, carefully, have a nice quiet word

Of a complex syndrome, of which now you’ve heard

Is silent but deadly, and hides in the wings,

The grimiest reaper who sets out to bring

Trouble on those who ought to be rested:

Get them down to the clinic so they can be tested!